Lately I have been thinking a lot about who I am. It has been an interesting journey. I have talked to a few people about this who I am close to and it has turned into something that I am thinking about and aware of on a daily basis. Now you may be wondering why I would be constantly thinking about who I am, but it is because I feel that somewhere along the way I lost myself, or I gave myself away.
I have been realizing that when I get into a relationship, romantic (which is my wife) or platonic (everyone else), I often find myself doing things, or becoming something that I feel that the other person would like me to be. By this I mean pretending that I am interested in things that they are interested in so that they won't be hurt. Having my coffee black if they have theirs black so that they won't have to feel bad about not having cream Wanting to read something that they are interested in when I am not interested one bit just to belong. Now these things sound good in themselves, but my reasoning in all of this and many more situations is not healthy. It is not so that I can enter into another persons world, it is because I don't feel that mine is worthy of them entering into.
Wow, I just read that above paragraph and even I am confused. I am just using this post to throw up all over and then sort out the chunks. Hopefully someone out there reading this (the 3 of you) can relate. I have found that I have given the beauty of me away because in a lot of way's I find no beauty. I read the verses that say that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but I rarely live that out. I am at a point of being sick of it. Sick of not living out me and the person God created me to be. In my journey to find out who I am I have some fear and reservation. What if I don't like who I am, or what if I am not really nice, but just pretending to be nice so that I don't hurt anyone's feelings?
But, what if I am a strong, secure, honest leader and servant. Someone who God wants to use to bring others closer into relationship with Him. What if I am exactly who God intended me to be, wouldn't that suck if I never found out. I am on a journey. I am going through a metamorphosis. I want, desire and need change. I am sick of robbing people, and me of me. If you are reading this please pray for me and with me. It is exciting, but scary all the same.
Thanks.
3 comments:
I get it Phil. We try to be everything to everybody, and end up losing ourselves. We can't even remember what it is that we really enjoy/want or who we really are, because we're too concerned about everyone else. I think part of the process is re-learning how to trust our instincts.
I just have to know if you have any pictures when you were sorting out the chunks here?
Were you able to find out which chucks to keep and which to discard? =0)
I am still trying this daily in my own life as I struggle being all that my mind wants in this life. Kinda the dichotomy that Paul came to face in Romans. For me these days, it is learning to break free of that which binds me and taking baby steps towards what I know is good, pure and true.
Step by step..
I hope you find time to read these comments. I wanted to affirm where you are at. I think being in YWAM for so long can definitely put you in a place of pleasing others or fitting into the program and vision of someone else. It also works way back into our pasts of who we developed to be in adolescence. Its very phsycological...
Anyways. I have dealt a lot with those questions as we have been in constant transition for the past 2 years. I have come to some conclusions about identity in the terms you are dealing with it.
First of all, it takes a bit of reminding occaisionally to keep in mind who God created us to be. The skill of personal reflection is the crux of emotional maturity that hits somewhere around 16-20 years. Most of us do it once and stick with what we found there. then of course you have to update sometimes. Once you have a handle on key things like "god created me to creatively organize crap around me", then stick with it and seek it out in your life.
Now, the second thing I've run into is that I am by nature selfish. If I tried really hard to define who I am and go 100% towards it, I would leave a lot behind...like wife, family, jobs, friends. So the process in point #1 needs to be always checked with the "who am I in relationship to my surroundings" question. Thats intentional work that sometimes feels betraying to the things we found in step one. Ya know?
All this to say, if you spend too much time trying to figure yourself out alone, you'll find a selfish picture that makes you feel like a jerk eventually.
Hold those chucks of who you are loosely and mash them together with others. Something good is bound to come of it.
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